Childrens Ministry Online

Guest post at Epic Parent Blog

Posted on 18. Feb, 2011 by Kenny.

I had the distinct pleasure of guest posting on Chris Spradlin’s (Sprad’s) blog, epicparent.tv. Click here to read my post. I linked over to Sprad’s blog several weeks ago when writing about talking to your kids about sex. In addition to information I learned from a service at my church (Gateway), it was Sprad’s series on sex talks that inspired my series. He’s putting some good stuff out there. One of my favorites is his post on creative discipline. It’s an honor to be included on his “guest post Friday,” joining ministry greats like Scott Williams, Craig Groeschel and Gina McClain.

So, I wrote a short post (well, as short as I could muster up) about parents partnering with their Children’s Ministry. Be sure to check it out and leave lots a comments! I highly recommend subscribing to Sprad’s blog. You can do so by clicking here.

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Pornography, Sex and Children’s Ministry: Want to help?

Posted on 27. Jan, 2011 by Kenny.

Okay, this is my last post on this series. For the past two weeks I’ve written a great deal about the problem of pornography and sex that is affecting kids while they’re in our children’s ministries. For the most part, we’re not doing anything about it. However, maybe we can change that. When I say we, I mean you and me and others.

As I shared in my last post, I’m creating a plan for my church to deal with this issue, to prepare kids to make commitments to purity. The plan I’m going to design will be a comprehensive approach from 3-4 years old until they’re teenagers ready to make a commitment to purity. What this plan looks like, I’m not sure. What resources we’ll use, I don’t know yet. This is where you might come in.

Over the last two weeks, many people submitted great book and resource ideas. I got names, numbers and emails of people running various programs that address some of these issues. This is great, except it will take me and my small team too long to sift through all these resources or connect with the contacts. What if a group of us put our heads together and shared our brains? What if everyone takes a book or two, reads it, takes copious notes and shared with the group as a whole. In a month’s time, the group can cover significant ground and perhaps all of us together can put together a thorough list of resources (with suggestions on how to use them) as well as great ideas of sex/porn/purity classes or programs that could work in a variety of settings.

I’m amazed by how many people commented over the two weeks thanking me for broaching the subject and bringing it to light, yet very few people had much to say about tangible and proven ways the church could partner with families to address the issue. So, think about donating a little time to develop some solutions. If you’re interested, leave a comment or shoot me an email at kenny [at] childrensministryonline.com.

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Pornography, Sex and Children’s Ministry: What I’m going to do about it

Posted on 27. Jan, 2011 by Kenny.

So, I’ve been writing about this stuff for two weeks now and I think I’ve said most all of what I need to say. So in the end, I’m left with the questions, “So what? What do I do with all this information? What happens next?” In reality, you’re left with the same question by the way. If you’ve been reading all of this you have one of several responses.

1. Disagree with what I’ve written and change nothing.
2. Agree, but not really do anything about it… just lest that elephant in the room remain.
3. Agree and actually do something about it.

So, I’ve written all of the posts these last two weeks because I needed to sort out my thoughts, gather more information and ultimately make some decisions. Right now in my family ministry, we’re making decisions about milestones we want to have in place for our families. One of these is a “commitment to purity” milestone. This would be a milestone where kids (likely teenagers) will make commitments to God and their parents to remain sexually pure (including saving themselves sexually until marriage). However, I think that we’re going to build a long ramp toward this milestone. Where in the past a church might do a “True Love Waits” campaign and dinner, we’re going to build towards the milestone, where a teenager makes this commitment. How long is this ramp? Ten years maybe? If the simplest forms of conversations about sex and purity begin when a child is 3-4, then in reality, the plan that leads to a “commitment to purity” begins with 3 and 4 year olds. We frame all that we’re doing in the context of a vision, that independent  teenagers make a conscious choice to be pure. Most parents want this for their kids. We just have to help parents see that this decision begins when their kids is 3-4.

So, I don’t really know what this looks like yet. It may be classes. It may be resources. It may be retreat. Possibly, its a combination of all of these things. Who knows. But, I’m committed to putting a plan in place so that parents can have a clear path to walk. It should be exciting.

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Pornography statistics

Posted on 27. Jan, 2011 by Kenny.

I’m at the end of my two week series of sex, porn and children’s ministry and I want to cram in a few last bits of information. A friend of mine who heard about this series sent me some links to share. She’s continuing to track down some additional resources, but she remember when studying marketing in college a few years ago she learned how the porn industry strategically marketed toward 11-17 year olds knowing that they were the largest user base and that if they got hooked (addicted) as a teenager, they’d be a customer for life. She remember reading how the porn industry used school textbooks to learn what kids would be searching for when working on projects to optimize search results so that kids would likely stumble across their content. I don’t have the study or documentation to back that up, but my friend is looking for that resource now.

Anyway, she did send me this link, a compilation of statistical and survey results by Covenant Eyes, the company that helps protect computers from pornographic content. It’s a massive document with great information about the dangers as well as prevalence of pornography. Click here to download the document.

There are many great stats to use if making a presentation to parents or your church about the need for parent intervention. Here were a few points that I wanted to highlight.

So, all of this is good reason for the church and parents to make sure our kids are safe, right?

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Two great articles on sexuality

Posted on 26. Jan, 2011 by Kenny.

Since I didn’t realize that Children’s Ministry Magazine had a great article on this important topic, I figured I’d search their site to see if there were any more. Yes, two great articles!

Click here for their article on how children understand sexuality at different points of their development. It would be a great resource for parents to understand what their kids know, what kinds of questions their kids are going to be asking and how to deal with those questions. Excellent information.

The second article I found was directed toward ministry leaders. It deals with how to tackle difficult conversations and situation involving a variety of sexual topics. Everything from engaging a family of same sex parents, working with children who have gender identity issues and encountering kids who are engaging in conversations about sexuality. This article thoroughly describes scenarios, what to do if it happens in your ministry and how to respond. We live in a culture and time where we WILL face these situations and we need to be ready to handle them. Why, we’re called to love these families as God loves them and out of our uncomfortability or perceived aversion to some of these situations, we could send a message to these families that they are judged, unwanted or worthless.

Thanks for these great resources for families and ministries.

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The church and sex ed

Posted on 26. Jan, 2011 by Kenny.

As I was writing this series about sex and Chidlren’s Ministry last week and this week, I didn’t even realize that Children’s Ministry Magazine published a pretty significant article on this very topic in their November/December 2010 issue called sexual purity. If you subscribe to the magazine, be sure to check it out (begins on page 62). There was a lot of great information in this article. One interesting quote was from a study saying that”

“Teenagers are more likely to abtsain from sexual intercourse before the age of 18 if their parents hold strong religious beliefs and explain them to their children and attend church together regularly.”

Good to know.

However, I was very intrigued by the direction the article took. When explaining what partnering with parents looks like, they described meeting with parents to explain what you (the church) will be using to teach kids about sex. The meeting is an opportunity to get permission, hear the parents needs and let them know exactly what will  be discussed with the kids. If parents aren’t on board, then materials can be given tot he parents to direct the talks themselves.

I’m a little surprised. I’ve not ever encountered a church that officially offers some kind of sex ed. It seems like the approach of “We believe that the parents are the best at this, but since most parents don’t do it or do it well, we’re going to do it anyway.” I’m not exactly sure how I feel about it. I wonder if this is a welcome thing for parents, if they are just grateful that churches are partnering with them on a very practical level. Anyone else do this or know of a church that literally offers sex ed? I’ve come across some (namely people mentioned in articles) and I plan to learn more about what it is they’re doing.

Anyway, chime in. I’d like to hear your thoughts.

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Being prepared for difficult questions

Posted on 25. Jan, 2011 by Kenny.

Okay, I promise, I’m getting close to wrapping up this series on sex and children’s ministry. In this post I wanted to address two other topics that again, should be addressed from the home, but the church should probably equip parents to be ready to answer. The two topics I’m thinking about are pornography and gender confusion.

When it comes to pornography, most parents aren’t having the conversation. To be honest, I feel that there are many parents out there who aren’t having the conversation because they’re not 100% convinced that it’s wrong, but just a part of growing up. Because most parents aren’t talking about it and if they do, it’s in a reactionary way, kids never get a context of what it is, why they shouldn’t seek it out and how destructive it really is. I remember reading a book many many years ago called Point Man by Steve Farrar. In the book he describes how he talked to his son about pornography for the first time. He talked about how it tries to draw us in and how it is initially pleasing, but most importantly, he described the pain and destruction of the industry, how it takes advantage of so many insecure young women, many who had troubled lives as children and in the end, it only hurts them two. He talked about the evil intentions of the industry, knowing that what it offers is addictive and if it can just lure you in when you’re young, you’ll be a slave to them for life. He also talked about how it destroys families and can prevent so many couples from experiencing true happiness. Whenever you do have a conversation about pornography with a child, creating a context is way more powerful than commanding them just not to do it. I am curious though how those of you with older children/teens handled a talk about pornography.

I think there should also be frank conversations about gender identity with our children. Gender confusion is a bigger topic than most people realize. When I was a kid, this wasn’t so much of an issue, but today the culture around our children are pushing confusion. I can’s speak so much about girls (because I’m not one and don’t have one), but I know that most boys struggle with this at one time or another. In the locker room, boys will be curious and they may face the temptation to look at another boy only because they’re curious. However, in this culture, a boy might begin asking himself the question, “Why am I curious? Does this mean I’m gay?” If they verbalize this to other boys or get caught looking, other boys will tell them that they must be gay and will not let it go… furthering the confusion. I know that boys fight this internal struggle and so few actually talk about it… so parents really do need to engage around this conversation. Thoughts anyone?

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What is innocence?

Posted on 24. Jan, 2011 by Kenny.

Okay, this post is a continuation of the series I began last week about porn, sex and chidlren’s ministry. When I got home on Thursday night, my wife and I had an interesting talk about what I’d been writing (I’d been out of town most of the week, so we haven’t talked like normal). We talked quite a bit about timing with our son Titus and how soon we begin having certain talks. We talked about that tension of “taking away his innocence” on our terms versus having him overhear someone else say something that steals it away.

This conversation got me thinking a lot about innocence. It seems to be one of the reason (or excuses) some parents wait so late to talk to their kids. “Kids should be kids and they need to see and experience the world through their innocent eyes.” I’m still processing this, but I’m starting to believe the “innocence” reason is a bunch of bull. Again, I’m still processing, so feel free to comment and tell me how off base I am.

Is sitting down and having beginning conversations with our kids about their bodies and sex really taking away their innocence? Adam and Even in the garden have full working knowledge of their bodies and how to use them and they were innocent. I know, we don’t live in the garden anymore, but I’m not really seeing how it’s too far different. Talking to kids about their bodies and how it was designed to be used is somewhat matter of fact. It’s the way it is. I don’t think it’s the knowledge that takes away innocence, it’s the imagery and ideas that our kids will see on TV, in magazines and from their friends that perverts and destroys innocence.

I do wonder how much shame that comes from our fallen state affects the innocence. At some point, our kids become conscious of their own bodies and experience shame like Adam and Eve did in the garden after they sinned. It seems that the difficult part of having the sex talk with a child is getting past that shame. The idea of sex to most kids is gross and horrifying mostly because of that shame and once you broach that topic with your child, they’ll probably always have that thought in the back of their head when playing or talking with another child of the opposite sex. Something is different. Is that the “loss of innocence?”

So, I’m curious for other people’s thoughts. Obviously, I haven’t had this talk yet and speak only from having gone through it once on the receiving end. However, wrestling through these thoughts may better equip us to have conversations with parents about setting up kids to win in this vital area of their lives.

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Wrapping up Sex, Pornography and Kidmin

Posted on 23. Jan, 2011 by Kenny.

I’m planning to wrap up the series I began last week revolving around sex, pornography and Children’s Ministry on Monday and Tuesday. It’s been a great series as so many people have been so positive and have welcomed the conversation. I didn’t really expect any less. However, talking about this stuff is a little disappointing as it seems that most people agree that it’s a problem and very few people seem to be actively doing anything about it. Yes, talking to kids about this stuff is the parents job, but it doesn’t seem like many churches are really doing anything about helping parents have these vital talks at the age when it’s most important.

So, hopefully in these last few days of discussion, we’ll potentially cover some new territory. Here’s for being hopeful.

In case you missed any of the conversation, here are links to all the posts from last week.

• Sex, Porn and Children’s Ministry
• The Sex Talk: Are we waiting too late?
• Resources for the sex talk
• Don’t have the sex talk with your kids
• The perfect age to talk to your kids about sex
• Kids caught in the porn trap

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Kids caught in the porn trap

Posted on 20. Jan, 2011 by Kenny.

So this week I’ve broached the subject of sex, porn and Children’s Ministry, but I mostly opened the conversation about parent driven sex talks and resources. I haven’t said much about pornography though. Hopefully, thorough parent-driven sex talks will address pornography and prepare kids for when they’ll be exposed to it. However, is there a way for the church to help address this problem more intentionally?

The numbers speak for themselves. 12-18 year olds are significant consumers of pornography. The average age of first exposure is eight. All of us have children in our ministries who are being exposed to porn and many are developing addictions. Many of these kids are already caught int he trap. They’re lured back to it time and time again because of their new-found appetite, but they’re also carrying this shame and guilt they’ve never carried before. At such a young age with their entire lives ahead of them, they’re already trapped in the devil’s most powerful snare.

I understand this in a very real way. I was one of these young kids exposed way to early. This uncontrollable appetite got the best of me and I carried guilt and shame and it severely tainted a very sweet relationship with the Lord I’d had since I was four or five. It was at a summer camp as a 5th grader where I felt the conviction of the holy spirit and I confessed to a leader and wept my eyes out. It was so freeing for me.

But a lot of little boys don’t get that chance. A lot of boys don’t take that step of courage (I’m kind of surprised I even did it) to confess their dirty secret. Is there a way we can be more intentional in helping both boys and girls who are struggling with this?

I know that at times I speak to kids and my talk with come around to media or stuff like that. I’ll sometimes say something like, “Some of you’ve been listening to music that you know isn’t good for you and it doesn’t honor God. Some of you’ve been watching TV or movies that you know your parents would not let you watch. Some of you have seen stuff on the computer that you know was wrong…” But to that degree, that’s the furthest I’ll go with it. It’s kind of vague. My hope is that the kids struggling with the beginnings of a porn addiction will identify and will respond to what I’m asking them to do. But I feel that this isn’t enough.

I don’t want to have a flat out porn talk, I don’t feel it’s our place. Really, it’s for the parents. However, are there ways we can be more direct without exposing kids who’ve not been affected by this to something they don’t need to know? In a small group, can a leader address the group of boys saying something like, “Some of you have seen some stuff that you know doesn’t honor God at all. You know that your parents wouldn’t want you to see it and if Jesus was sitting beside you, you’d be embarrassed. Maybe it was a video or even pictures, but you’ve seen them and there’s a part of you that wants to see it again, but another part of you that’s really ashamed or even guilty. You need to know that it’s not right to look at this, but you don’t need to live under guilt and shame. You don’t need to feel that God doesn’t want to be your friend because you kind of want to look at that stuff again. However, you need help to not look at it again and you don’t need to walk down that road by yourself. You might want to think about talking to someone, possibly your mom or dad… or even me.”

I feel that as a 3rd or 4th graders struggling with my guilt, I really needed someone to challenge me, to encourage me and even draw me out. Ultimately I obeyed God’s prompting, but how many kids out there need an adult in their life saying, “you’re not alone, God still loves you and there are people who want to help you.” In my heart I just feel this message of hope and healing needs to be communicated and more than just one or two times a year. How many times is there a great opportunity to share, but we don’t because the conversation is too risky or the level of comfort is too high.

I’m curious though as to what you think? Is this too heavy? To what ends have you communicated this message? The church absolutely needs to empower parents, but to what degree can the church lead on on this?

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