Okay, this is a little raw and honest. Since I got back from vacation, I’ve been struggling with anxiety.
It’s been strange. Since I’ve been doing Children’s Ministry full time I’d usually have one of “those days” every year or two. It was when t felt like the sky was falling and I couldn’t breath. My solution was to usually close my office door, turn out the lights and cry for a few minutes. Then I’d get a Lemon Berry Slush and things would be better. This was a pattern, it would happen every year or two and when it would happen, I knew what to do.
Until this year.
On my way home from Canada, I started to get those feelings of anxiety. My first day back was pretty bad. I just felt like I was walking through mud. The next day didn’t get any better. All kinds of thoughts would jump into my head. Thoughts of self-doubt and worry. The next day was a staff meeting day and I shared what I was going through with several staff members and that helped a lot. I think that some of the anxiety is related to my not practicing the discipline of solitude. It’s something that Gateway really values and encourages every staff member to take a solitude day every month (which I haven’t yet). So, I felt much better.
But then for the next two weeks, I’ve still didn’t feel like the anxiety was gone. It was like it was in the room with me, I wasn’t overwhelmed or depressed, just a little anxious. If you know me, this is totally not like me at all. Even on Monday I had a long talk with my wife about how I had been feeling. I think she really needed some encouragement from me, but ended up being a source of encouragement for me. (Thanks sweetie) Then something curious happened.
On Tuesday night I had a meeting at my house with some CM people. For about 45 minutes we talked vision. Not policies, tactics or plans… just vision. It lit me up. Sara was there and she commented later that she saw me more energized than I had been in a long time. I know this was only two days ago, but anxiety hasn’t shown it’s ugly head since that night. I’m re-energized and focused.
So, this is still new to me. I’ve never struggled with depression or anxiety before. However, it seemed like a shot in the arm of vision really got me going. The self-doubt is gone, I see what is before me and I know I’ve got the goods to get it done. So, I don’t know if anyone else has ever experienced this or has a similar situation, but that’s jus what I’ve been living these past few weeks.
Oh, and in the midst of all of this, Carlos posted this blog post that was encouraging to see.