It’s sad that kids raised in ministry have a stereotype. They’re called PKs, but you already knew that because you have a few. Too often they grow up in the shadow of incredibly busy parents and develop some frustrating personality traits and qualities. They can be bratty, rebellious and walk around the church like they own the place. Sometimes this is the result of kids who aren’t getting the attention they need from a mom or dad drowning in the good work of ministry. Over the years, I’ve met many adult pastor’s kids who have broken relationships with their family and an abandoned faith.
I’m very aware of this problem and the very last thing I want is to lose my kids to the ministry. I want my kids to understand the work that I do. I want them to understand what drives me to work as hard as I do. However, I want them to love that they get to be Pastor’s Kids.
I’ve been encouraged and inspired over the past 3-4 years by the words of Doug Fields. Doug is one of the loudest voices in student ministry and raised three kids while serving at one of the largest churches in the country. He’s seen incredible ministry success, but his successes as a parent have caused me to lean in to listen to what he has to say. Here’s a great article on this very topic.
This last summer I had a two month sabbatical. I’ve had a lot of people ask me what I got out of it. The sabbatical wasn’t supposed to just be a vacation, but something intentional. Although there have been many good things that have come from my sabbatical, the one thing I like to say isn’t what people expect to hear. On of my primary goals of my sabbatical was to help my kids love that their dad is in the ministry.
Last I checked, not many people get to take two months off from their job. Sure, I only get to do that every 5-7 years, but I have been able to snag 2-3 weeks at a time the last couple of years. The flexibility my church has allowed me in time off has brought so much happiness to my family. It has given us time for adventures we’ll never forget.
My son Titus gets a lot of perks. Nearly every time we’re at the church, we’ll find some snacks/candy stashed somewhere and enjoy a special treat. He gets to ride his scooter through the building and I even let him run the light board in our elementary environment when I’m in that part of the building. Best of all, he gets to come to special events like Winter Camp and special events he’s not old enough to be at. He LOVES this.
Recently I was talking with another pastor who was asking for a favor for their kid in regard to the way we program. He said, “I’m not asking for special privileges or trying to take advantage of my role on staff.” I told him, “I want your kid to have special privileges because he is your son.”
Whether our kids go into ministry or into the marketplace, shouldn’t they be the most equipped to live out their faith? They grow up in a hyper-focused environment of spiritual development – but too many times they walk away with resentment and brokenness. I know that isn’t what I want for my kids.
I’m curious, what do you do for your kids that help them love that you work in a church?
Love this. This has been a value we adopted after hearing Doug Fields talk about it years ago at the Orange Conference. As a family team we look for opportunities to show this privilege to our kids AND the kids of our team. Our staff kids know where we keep the rolls of ritz, enjoy dance parties on the worship stage, get to attend special events and serve in areas other kids their age don’t. We are just waiting for the opportunity to swim in the baptismal… (One of the things Doug said “SURE!” to with his kids.) Where this once seemed sacreligous to me, it now is an awesome opportunity. Our kids, my kids, sacrifice a ton so their Mom can work and serve at the church. Shoot. I should probably have my husband pack his swimsuit too… Great post, Kenny!
That talk by Doug… still so inspiring. This is good.
I’m currently working on a plan for how our Church provides for families of staff. Like paying the tuition of staff kids to go to camp. Many of our staff just can’t afford it. We have enough staff kids, I can’t just absorb the cost, but what if we saw it as an investment… the same way we see a 403b and time off.
I’m so prayerful that our kids will see by watching our lives that being a “pastor” mostly means you get to to love people and be salt and light and point people toward Jesus. It doesn’t mean elevating yourself, or following more rules, or living up to anyone’s expectation other than Jesus, who loves us so, regardless of what burdens people try to put on us. I’m hopeful they’ll know that “pastor’s kid” really just means the same. Even though that phrases comes with a lot of false connotations just like “pastor” does.
So true Starr. I know this means protecting my kids from the frustrated conversations that “can” happen around the dinner table. The last thing I want my kids learning is how working on church staff is political and life-sucking… but that working on a church staff should be more time to be salt and light and helping other people be salt and light.
From the time they were born, our kids have been by our side in ministry. We have tried to not talk negatively about people or situations in front of them…ever. (as they got older they picked up on times we were discouraged but they appreciated being kept in the loop so we would give them just enough information that we felt they could handle without burdening them and we never named names)
We have explained the joys of ministering to others and made our service an adventure. They have had many “adopted” grandparents. We tried to instill in them that there are many occupations where kids may not see their mom or dad for periods of time (ie. military, doctors, etc.)or there are many kids that help out their farmer parents to make the farm run smoother, etc. But God had chosen to place them in a family that would be dedicated to serving Him and loving people because He knew we would need their talents. Anytime someone would do something nice for our family, we would magnify that and tell the kids how good God is and how blessed we are.
We have 7 kids. Two are in Bible College desiring full time ministry of some sort. Another one is joining them next year. Our youngest child(who is 8) has determined that his gift is hugging and so every Sunday he tries to hug as many people in the pew before the service starts. They are each involved in some way in the church. I pray continually that Satan will not steal their joy in serving.