While on my last Infuse retreat with Bro. Jim, a very interesting discussion broke out while my fellow infusers were working on a project. We were talking about the church’s responsibility to support, equip and inspire parents. I strongly believe that to a certain degree, the church should be involved in all of these things. Most parents need inspiration. They need how important it is that they take the lead and what will happen if they don’t. Parents also need to be equipped. Either through classes, small groups or even resources, we can equip them to fulfill the role God has given them to do. Last of all, we need to support our parents. They’re going to need help along the way and we’re here to help, right?
Every time I lead a child dedication class, the last thing I say is, “Parents, you need to know that we’re here for you. When you need help, we want to be there and get you through whatever you are facing.” However, during my discussion this weekend I realized something kind of important. Although we say we’re here to help and support parents, I don’t feel that we do very much of it. As I look back over the months, it seems like it’s a rarity that our children’s ministry is helping/supporting parents. It’s not that we don’t do it because we don’t want to or we’re avoiding something, but I think that very few parents are coming to us for help. I think that MANY families need help, whether the issue is great or small, but they’re just not asking for it. We can’t help what we don’t know about.
I wonder what it would look like if we started seeking out opportunities to support parents. What would it look like if we went beyond the causal, “How are you doing?” and asked more probing questions? What would it look like if all our kidmin small group leaders and volunteers regularly asked the parents they had anything they could pray with them about or just asking, “How’s everything at home? I noticed (insert child’s name) has been mentioning (possible issue) during prayer requests recently. Is there someway that we can help?” Even if parents don’t take advantage of the offer, would they feel supported and that the church is a place they can turn to for help?
I’m just curious and speaking from my own perspective/experiences. How is your ministry helping parents? Do you agree? Are there ways we could support parents more by being more proactive in our offers to help?
I think as with most parts of my ministry there is a balance to be achieved. Could we do more family centered activities, yes. Do we eliminate all age based activities in lieu of family ministry, no. We need to remember that not all children come from homes with parents capable or even willing to disciple their children. We also need to keep in mind that age based ministry programs, which are done properly, can train up a child very effectively. As we look back to Jewish tradition to the time before and around Christ’s birth the establishment of formal education was key to a child’s success. The parents were seen as partners with the formal educators. I think that is the way we should do it today. The church and the parent form a mutually beneficial relationship that grows together in the overall goal of establishing a disciple of Christ.
How do we accomplish that? We offer ministry programs that teach the Bible not just morality tales. We teach in a manner that produces spiritual fruit. We give the parents an opportunity to participate through learning guides. We offer opportunities to worship together. We offer opportunities to serve together in the local community. We don’t treat our precious few hours on campus as baby sitting time we let the parents know that these times are set aside for discipleship. We teach that as Christian families we are different from any other mainstream families. We should not be afraid to hold each other accountable. Our primary goal, even as families, is to reach the world for Christ no matter the cost.
Jonathan, I’m going to have to disagree. Research today tells us that church-centered discipleship isn’t working. Where we do see it working is when the parents are actively involved… but most parents are not. But that’s beside the point, my post here is more about how we support families outside the normal programs we run. Many parents have needs, hurts or desires that sometimes a wednesday night program or Sunday School isn’t going to help. How are we supporting them when they have a significant felt need?
Kenny, I think you’re right. But what your pointing out is a challenge felt among the entire church. Not just kidmin. If members of a church family (in general) would be more aggressive in digging a little deeper, if we truly have an environment safe enough to take off the mask then we have a greater chance of people revealing the true hurt in their lives. I think you make a great point. Can we encourage our kidmin volunteers to be more aggressively friendly? Can we inspire them to take what their kids share in small group prayer and really fight for them in prayer? How can we partner with adult small group ministry to dig deeper and impact a percentage of parents there? A lot of questions. Would love to see where this discussion leads. Thanks for your thoughts
AMEN! This is something that I’ve aggressively pursued and continually question in the churches I’ve been on staff at the past ten years… always evaluating what I meant by putting “partnering with parents” in mission statements. I quickly found out, like you said in your post, that me and my leaders needed to speak A LOT of time engaging parents over and above the equipping and empowering.
In fact, this is the very issue that I’ll be addressing in my session for the Children’s Ministry Telesummit 🙂 So, it’s awesome to see you talk about it… It’s a conversation that may have finally reached it’s Tipping Point. Great thoughts and questions. I’d love to hear more about what you are thinking through as I put my session together.
Kenny; it’s really great having this forum for an open honest discussion. Thanks for offering this domain.
In response to your response I do understand that parents have needs and those needs must be met. We have families that are going through some tough times and they need to feel that they have a safe haven. We need to understand that not all families are like the Cleavers. That real problems happen to real people and they need real help. I’ve been in many homes past mid night with families in crisis but the cool thing is that I am not usually the only person there. At FBCP We believe that the Church is the Body of Christ and we should function as such. We encourage enrollment in Sunday School classes. This helps make the Church a little smaller and less anonymous. Within those classes we have care groups, those care groups are responsible for helping each other. So when a crisis occurs you have a built in system of first response. So to answer your initial question if the adult Sunday School classes / Small Groups are functioning correctly the needs should already be met. Our roll in Children’s ministry is to supplement the work that is already being accomplished. For these very reason listed above that is why it is so dangerous to eliminate or down play the roll of adult Sunday School / Small Groups as so many Churches are now doing. A gap does occur when the parents are not in a Sunday School / Small group. With those parents you need to be very proactive through establishing relationships. Those relationship can be established via phone calls and or other outside church events. With the overall goal of getting the parents involved in some type of small group within the Church
To your response that according to research Church centered discipleship is not working. The Church is the tool that God established for the growth and health of the Christian Body. The Church is the Bride of Christ. We first learn about and see the growth of the Body of Christ as the Church in the books of Acts. Most of the New Testament is written to Churches to help them with discipleship. The body of Christ is the Church and the Church is the Body of Christ. They are not mutually exclusive. In fact the writer of Hebrews warns us in Chapter 25 to not get into the habit of meeting together but to spur one another on toward good. As Christians we can not take a secular world view we must examine all things through a Biblical world view. The Bible is clear with the roll of the Church. It was good enough then its good enough today. The modern American church structure seems to be all about convenience. Ask a person in China about how convenient it is to be a Church member but they still are. Modern research that is not grounded in the Word of God should not influence what we do as Churches. Only the Word of God should influence what we do as Churches. What if research shows that people are turned off from Discipleship because they don’t like the idea of only one way to Heaven, are we going to change the Bible to be inclusive to those ideas? We need to buck up and take the leadership roll that God has granted and be the salt and light to a lost and dieing world.
Yes Gina, you’re absolutely right. That’s why it’s vital that we promote a small group experience that is transparents. I’ve been at churches where they were and were not transparent. I just think of the families who aren’t yet connected… our leaders and volunteers in kidmin may be their only point of connection and source for support.
Henry, I’ll be interested to hear your breakout at the TeleSummit. Honestly, I’ve not put much thought to this except it hit me like a ton of bricks when I was discussing a similar topic with the other peeps in my infuse group. I’d never really really thought too much about what truly supporting parents would look like.
Ha, sorry Jonathan, but I still don’t see eye to eye with you. I think part of it could be the cultural differences of our churches. It’s not bad, it’s just that every church is different. Yes, if every parent was in a small group or Sunday School class, supporting parents through the children’s ministry might not be too hard. However, I don’t know of many churches where every parent is connected in that way. In most church circles, 50% involvement is considered okay to pretty good. That’s still a lot of people not being cared for.
To the second paragraph you wrote, I’m not saying that the church isn’t the tool that God established, but if you look much further back to Deuteronomy, you’ll see that God’s initial plan for evangelism and discipleship was a mom and dad. The problem of recent times is that parents have been relying more on sunday school and midweek programs to train and equip their kids. Scripture is very clear that this job is the parents. I’ve not seen the role of the Children’s Pastor in the Bible. Neither have I seen mention of Sunday School or mid-week program. Although I’m being silly with these points, the truth is that no one is better equipped or has more influence than mom and dad, nope… not even the church. The study I refer to shows that kids who attend mid-week programs and Sunday School their entire lives are still leaving the church in droves as adults. The common denominator? Their parents and the role they played in their kids development. That’s all I’m pointing out. I don’t have any beef with Sunday School or Mid-Week programs, but if mom and dad aren’t doing what only they can do, I’d rather invest my resources into equipping than more programs at the church.
It’s me again….I think we are stating the same point just from different points of view. Yes I was born and raised in the buckle of the Bible belt and we still have over 85 % participation in Sunday School so I do have a different experience. I am very thankful for our participation and think with a little work all churches could eclipse even that threshold. In my opinion because you have low participation is not a reason to give into the worldly pressure. That is a sign that you need to fight for Small groups.
I am familiar with the study you are referring to and it is my understanding the reason the kids are leaving is because they we not given the full Word of God from the Church or the parents. They were taught morality stories and non-sequential Bible stories. As Hebrews chapter 5 points out, they were never given the chance to mature from milk to meat. It’s the parents and the Church that is responsible for that gap. A recent study showed that increasingly new pastors are afraid to speak of sin and its consequences. The parents aren’t given the chance to mature in their faith so it’s increasingly difficult to expect them to lead their children in spiritual maturity. So yes an investment in Adult small groups in essence is an investment in Children ministry because you are investing in the most influential figures in a child’s life, the parent.
We are always asking HOW can we partner with parents? I think many times parents need support. I know I do! They need to know they have reinforcements, someone to back them up and support them when things are tough.
I personally think that providing support and partnering with parents really comes down to relationships. I believe that the relationships between a small group leader, a child and their parents can unlock the door to so many things. I would encourage all small group leaders to probe a little, ask questions, reinforce and encourage parents. I think simple steps lead to a relationship where trust can be developed over time. Nobody wants to air their dirty laundry for everyone to see but they will seek advice, help and support from those they trust. I believe once trust is developed we will have a higher success rate in supporting parents and families.