I’m seeking some resources. A fellow staff member emailed me yesterday with the subject line: explaining to a 5yr old that her grandma is dying.
The short email said, “On the subject line, do you know what do to? Do you prepare them? If so, how? If not, what do you tell them when it happens?”
I’ve got some ideas and a few theories. However, I can’t remember the last time I was asked this and I honestly don’t remember what I said. I can’t guarantee that advice I’ve given in the past was the best either as I’ve had so little experience in this area.
So, I’m throwing this question out to those of you who’ve had some experience dealing with this situation. How would you answer this question if it came from one of your church parents or friends. You’d be talking to another Christ follower, so feel free to speak from that context. Do you have any resources that you’d recommend?
Thanks for your help!
Here is an article from Focus on the Family. It isn’t specifically geared to young children, but has lots of good info. the neat thing about young children is that if you’ve told them about Heaven, they generally believe it…no questions asked. They know they will see their loved ones again.
http://www.focusonthefamily.com/lifechallenges/emotional_health/coping_with_death_and_grief.aspx
There are 5 parts to the article. You will see them listed in the right hand box.
Sam
One resource I would recommend is a book by Maria Shriver called “What’s Heaven”.
One resource I’ve given to parents to help them frame their thoughts in a story is called “Water Bugs & Dragonflies: Explaining Death to Young Children.” It’s a very short little book about water bugs becoming dragonflies. It has a section in the back with a prayer where kids can write in the name of the dying relative/friend. I believe it could be one tool to help disciple a child’s heart to think about death as really being a resurrection process.
.-= Christopher G. Sykes´s last blog ..Honor Virtue Video =-.
I don’t think there is a “one-size-fits-all” answer with kids. I think it’s wise to be searching out what is available, but ultimately it really depends on the child’s maturity, and the situation… My oldest was 4 when my Dad was killed suddenly in a plane crash. There was no preparing him, but we talked very openly and allowed him to ask the questions he had in his heart. He asked me all kinds of questions like why did he have to die, when would we see him again, was I sad, and on and on. I answered the questions honestly, and always pointing back to Jesus. His final question was if my Dad believed in Jesus. Knowing that he did gave my 4yr old peace. He seemed to handle it better than the adults. (I suppose there is something to “faith like a child” huh?)
I think it is wise to be seeking resources to present to the family of the child, and to pray for guidance in the situation. God is who He says He is, and He can do what He says He can do. He’s got His hand on the situation.
and finally… I found this article from lifeway.com that might be beneficial. “Grief through a Child’s Eyes” http://www.lifeway.com/article/152779/
Oh… and on antother (personal) note… My grandmother was dying of AIDS when I was 8. It was in the 80’s when we were still learning so much about the disease, so imagine they kept it from us kids for that reason… however, I knew she was sick, but I didn’t know if she was going to get better or not, and I didn’t understand why everyone was so sad, and secretive. And as children do without honest answers, we make the answers up for ourselves, and from our limited life experience perspective. I became scared of her, and scared of living. I didn’t want to get sick, and then was fearful that I constantly was.
All that to say… I think honesty is best. If Gramma is sick and dying, I think it healthiest to be talking now, rather than later in the middle of the grief of her being gone.
Very good stuff Erin. Thank you so much!
Thanks for the resource Christopher. I think I’d heard of Maria Shriver’s book, but I really wanted a resource that helps a child connect with God through the process. I haven’t read Maria’s book and maybe it does a great job at that, but I want to make sure it connects biblically.
Anyone else have any thoughts?
.-= Kenny´s last blog ..The Google Empire =-.
I agree with Erin you can’t really prepare kids, but you can be honest and be ready. You need to be ready because kids ask questions at the strangest time and you need to be ready to answer them fully, honestly and walk through the things they are feeling but may not fully be able to express.
Kenny, there is a great book by Randy Alcorn entitled Tell Me About Heaven. The book is written as a story about a boy whose grandmother recently died. Most of the book involves the boy and his grandfather connecting and talking about the gospel and heaven, but I’ve found it to be a comforting resource for kids dealing with grief as well. This really isn’t a book to guide the children’s pastor so much as for the child to read and be comforted by.
Don’t have a resource idea – I’m sure there are some things out there you can find at CBD or Amazon…..
I think we often overthink this. Kids are not only resilient, but will grasp what they need to and can be comfortable with. If possible, let the child talk with the grandma before she passes – that could bring great comfort. If they ask questions, answer them! But don’t feel like you need to skirt around the issue, nor give TOO much information.
Above all, when she does pass away, let the child attend at least one aspect of the funeral process – viewing would likely be best. That can be such a tremendous time to allow them to see that “she isn’t going to wake up.” When the child is ready to move on (often within a few minutes), let them go and relax or take them home.
Death with kids is TOUGH stuff, but it doesn’t have to be a big deal….
.-= Dean Butterfield´s last blog ..Another Video Re: Faith @ Home =-.